Life...just life :)

My alarm clock is not my friend.   For that matter, neither is the freezing wind that almost took the laundry away as I pulled it through campus or the early morning breakfast ordeal.  Neither are the six tests I'm taking on Tuesday or the Theology exam that kept me up last night.  I could go on...but you know what it's ike to be under pressure and under stress and I won't add to that by rambling about my own gripes. 

Pressure.  It's what proves who we are and what life makes of us.  Pressure can't make us, it just shows us what is already there.  Hopefully, under pressure, I am the same person as I am removed from pressure.  A person's integrity proves who they are when under pressure, not what they act like in favorable circumstances. 

Part of the problem of being at Bible college is not the early morning classes or the late night studying because of service assignments.  It's the temptation to become lulled into the shallows of spirituality.  I guess the same thing happens at any church or youth group-when circumstances become easy, everyone is in.  When you have to spend time in the word, everyone does it.  When you have to dresss modestly, everyone does it.  It's easy to forget that you, as a person, could very well not change at school.  If you're someone who likes fitting in, you could "fit in" here and then just go home unchanged.

One of the things my discipler has been teaching me is becoming grounded in the Word of God.  Granted, she doesn't like philosophy (I know, I was very disappointed) because she says that the only true philosophy comes from the Word of God.  But I appreciate that she takes out the Bible and addresses areas in my life that need to be changed-by God.  Not by a book or a method, but through the power of Christ in me. 

When hope seems like a distant dream

When all around the stars will gleam

Nothing proven, closed, while reams

Of broken shards of glass fall quick

Oh Jesus, Lord, quicken me.

When love seems like a fallen hope

When fragile life moves on a rope

Impossibility ascends a fallen slope

The uphill climb to fall from heights

Oh Lord, Adonai, quicken me.

When I, alone, doubt fallen shapes

When friends and foes stand open gazed

But no one thinks to find the maze

Of stolen lies and dark, when I am lost

Oh Spirit, Breath, quicken me.

Graduation Speech...:)

"We made it.  Through all the tears and loneliness, the hard questions and late nights, we made it.  Through all the science experiments (Thankfully, mom, dissecting pigs was not outside your comfort zone) long hours practicing violin sonatas, listening to violin sonatas, singing violin sonatas, marching to violin sonatas…etc., we made it.  Through cooking lessons that ended with eggs on the floor, burned fingers, and helpless laughter over hopelessly flat cookies, we made it.  I am thankful. 

Homeschooling is a journey, and it’s not about perfect families operating in a spotless, controlled environment.  It’s an adventure, and a team sport.  In homeschooling, your younger siblings are your alarm clocks and trenchmates, your parents are your guides, and God is your dictator. 

                We made it, but we would never have made it here without our Heavenly Father.  Forget those pictures of the perfect families on the covers of “Homeschooling Today.”  Enter the pages of “Grace Today.” God’s strength is perfect in our weaknesses.  God’s strength has been perfect in my weaknesses. Through college physics, junior high trauma, loneliness and pain, God’s strength is perfect.  His grace is sufficient.  His power is perfected in my many weaknesses.

                In life, we make decisions, and no decision goes without consequences.  Every little choice, every thought, and every word lends itself to a greater end.  We trudge along and suddenly realize that we have been heading toward a city all along, whether we meant to or not. We choose the directions our lives will take; whether or not we will heed the voice of our Master and Lord, or whether we will take our own path.  Every step affects us.  I pray that my classmates and I will move every small footstep in a direction that lends itself to the greater end of God’s glory. It is easy to fall.  Let us stand in hope, and rise on the wings of eagles.  Then we will run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.

                It is easy to be proud of an accomplishment, not realizing its actual significance through the passage of time.  What greater things can God move through us if He has already done what many have called impossible? “Not to us…but to Your name alone…be all the glory forever. For Your faithfulness and steadfast love, receive the glory.” The glory belongs to You, Lord.

                Many people are responsible for my graduation.  I am thankful, first of all, to my Heavenly Father, who has set my feet upon a rock.  He is there through all the good and bad, whether I follow Him or choose my own path, whether I fail or succeed. I am thankful for my Love, Jesus Christ, Who is my only Cornerstone and Foundation.  Through the path He has chosen, no matter what He takes away, He has blessed me with more and more of Himself. 

                I am thankful for my family, my harshest critics and dearest fans.  Thank you for bearing with me in crazy dreams and wacky ideas.  Thanks, mom, for your doses of reality and hugs.  Thanks, Dad, for your amazing rendition of Feliz Navidad and late night ice cream trips.  Thanks Josh, for being my level headed friend; Andrew, my fellow conspirator; and Kara, my laughing little dolly.  I am thankful for my friends who have laughed and cried and sung and danced with me through every pretty, and not so pretty, moment.  Thank you. 

                I realize as I write this speech that many have stood here before me and given similar speeches.  I realize that you will forget my face and my name.  You will forget me.  I realize, too, that in that forgetting, there is one thing you must remember.  You will forget me someday.  Do not forget the Jesus who brought me here, who brought you here.  You will forget me, do not forget my Jesus.

“We are only human, and we cannot go this way alone.

You will forget me, do not forget my Jesus.

We are more than conquerors; we triumph through Him who loves us.

You will forget me, do not forget my Jesus.

We have been faithful.  God is a Rewarder of those who seek Him.

You will forget me, do not forget my Jesus."

I kept forgetting to post it here :)

To live

Aching body, aching soul

Alone, asleep on crumbling shoal

Awake again to om’nous roll,

Alone, afraid; awake, and dead.

We sleep.  We wake.  We live in dread.

Burning ire, burning coal,

Surrounded, masked to wretched roles

Masked again to terror cold,

Alone, afraid; awake and dead.

We sleep. We wake. We live in dread.

Empty heart, empty goal

Shattered by a newer world,

Creeping toward, ugly trolls,

Alone, afraid; asleep and dead. 

We wake, we live, we live ahead.

Stranger psyche, stronger dark

Removed to thousand thousandth spark

Creeping forward, blacked to coal,

Alone, afraid; asleep and dead.

We live, we breathe, we move ahead.

--Adara

I should be doing chapter titles right now, preparing for a freshman courseload of 19 credits...plus Greek...but something in me is shrinking from this process of adulthood.  I don't think I realized how difficult it really is to shoulder responsibility and school...and trying to "fit God into the mix" just doesn't work.  He has to be center and everything else has to revolve around Him.  Even in going to Bible School, it's so easy to get lost in the practical that I lose sight of His love and glory-the reasons I am going in the first place.  I keep getting emotional about the whole thing, but in reality decisions cannot be emotional but must come from the will-a shouldering a cross and a vision that never looks back.  It is difficult to have a vision looking forward when you can't see what *is* forward...when it's sheer faith climbing a precipice that you know is impossible for you to climb alone. I am scared to death, but I need to be strong and courageous.  I feel alone, but I am never alone.  I feel weak, but in my weakness Christ is strong. 

I think part of the transition in climbing from High School to college is letting go of dreams and starry visions, in a sense, but never losing the hope and the steps you have taken.  You let go of the dream and then take every step to accomplish it.  You realize that every dream must be encrusted in reality and tears and backbreaking work...and it can be ugly.  But in the end it will be beautiful, although I can't see the end from this small step. 

I wish, now, that I had more time.  I sense the urgency of Christ's return even more deeply every day, and it keeps me restless for His kingdom to come.  I pray for the grace never to lose that sense, that deep longing.  We were made for heaven, not for earth, for God and not for man.